I have had a lot going on lately that made me really internalize and try to figure myself out.
I’m not even sure how to go about explaining this or putting it into words. I am going to try to make my feelings and thoughts a bit easier for the normals to understand. In no particular order and no clear thought process of course.
The things happening around me, even things that don’t directly have to do with me, can mentally hurt me, and hurt me more than I care to admit.
Being mean to me, because of something I’ve not done, doesn’t make me suck it up and forge ahead. It sends me into a downward spiral.
Shouting, name calling, and using me as a scapegoat, again the same downward spiral, plus the bonus of trying to figure out why I’m such an awful person that screws up everyone’s life.
Logically I know this is unreasonable, but alas, my mind spares me of logic and would rather be irrational. The joys of my head just keep shining through brighter than the sunshine.
The fun twirling slide I rush down makes simple life very difficult.
Sure I would love to walk over and see my neighbor, or invite someone to my home. nah, according to that annoying yapper with the bullhorn in my brain, I’m better off avoiding. Don’t answer the phone, don’t answer the text.
It’s easier than explaining I’m tired, sore, overwhelmed, depressed, weak, and contemplating how death would be a relief.
Don’t get all in a tizzy, I’m not suicidal. If you haven’t thought death was a good out then are you really human? The old “I hope I don’t wake up” has most likely run through your mind, or at least something similar.
I think if more people pushed me to socialize I would do better with it, or would I? I’d like to think it’s worth a shot if any of you want to come stop by and not take no as an answer. Be like “Yo, I know you are avoiding so let’s just chill at your place and have some water.” Obviously no one wants water, but you get my point.
Tell me you don’t care if the dog is barking and the kids are too loud, that I should call you or answer the phone anyway.
To better understand I’ll let you know how I feel on an okay day. I have far more bad days than okay, but I don’t know if anyone is ready to hear about one of my bad days.
I never get peace or personal space. Nope not even in the shower or bathroom. A person or an animal is ALWAYS touching me. This alone is too much for a proud introvert like myself to cope with.
Now imagine if you will, not having peace, peace in this sense meaning quiet. There is always noise, TV, talking, playing loud, and or video games and tablets making so.much.noise.
Wait though the fun doesn’t stop there. These two things are often combined which makes for one heck of a fabulous time within me. I can’t even sleep in my 3 foot bubble, it’s non existent, someone popped it and I can’t find the repair patch.
No one respects my bubble.
Now keep up, it gets better, let’s add to this bubble soup.
I am graced with a few people in my life who cannot possibly understand or believe they may actually be the one who is selfish, quick to scapegoat me, and overall be certain of the fact that they have no shortcomings, character flaws, or even a smidgen of respect for me.
This is not good for me. I’m a kind person, way too kind, even when provoked. People who know me, tell me this,so it’s not me bragging. I’m told this even when I think I’m being tough and standing my ground. I’m always trying to appease these individuals. I must be on alert to not say anything, as it will be taken as an attack. I must keep my eyes averted, because I’m a master of being able to insult someone with a glance. I have these powers, please don’t be jealous.
They say “crazy people don’t know they are crazy”. I don’t use that to insult anyone, it’s just how I’ve heard it said. Am I the one who has lost concept of reality or are those individuals?
Surely it must be me, I think to myself, while repeatedly mulling over my entire existence.
I wake up every day,with dread. Let me intervene here by stating that I don’t get to sleep like real people. I nap when my youngest naps and even then someone is bound to wake me up for something stupid as Joe sits right downstairs. He’s invisible, clearly.
Dread, because I know I’m incapable of getting through an entire day without being verbally assaulted and definitely not without constant anxiety.
Dread, because I hate myself every day, the only thing I like about me is that I’m a kind person. I can not walk up my stairs without being in pain. On most days I have no strength to push a vacuum or load the dishwasher.
My own children don’t seem to understand that I’m hurting, physically hurting, so picking up even their trash hurts. Pain that I can’t get rid of. My eldest says “Your always sick, your always tired, your always asleep” with such condemnation it takes a piece of my heart. Absolutely no regard, or maybe she doesn’t believe it?
I am sick, physically and mentally. I own up to my sickness, I try my hardest to not be sick or at the very least try and hide it.
So much dread knowing I really have no one that can help me. I don’t have a nanny or a housekeeper.
This is all stuff I have to do. I cry over this at least once a day. I sit and cry, because I’m too tired or in too much physical pain to go on.
Sometimes I cry just because Im pretty crappy at this thing called life.
That’s some of my day. This is real. This is not living. I’m broken and lonely.
Sadly I’ve made myself pretty lonely since only a few people really show that they understand and support me. It’s nice when someone lets you know they are ready when you are, or even bug you until you just do something with them. We need more people bugging others. Just watch, it’s probably a fine line between that and stalker.
As discussed this has no order, or thought process. I have bad grammar and horribly structured everything. 😒.
Maybe I should write these things out beforehand to proofread and make necessary adjustments.
Who am I kidding,I won’t do that, at least not this time. Do I even have a point? I don’t think I do so take it as it is.